Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Je ne veux pas sentir comme ça

Every day since Sunday, I have woken up feeling homesick.  It is the oddest thing.  When I go to bed, I generally don't feel homesick, but I think I am still having dreams.  These dreams bring me back to the places I know.  They allow me to talk to people I am used to.  They are good dreams.

So when I wake up, I am... I guess it is kind of surprised, to find out that I am still in France, thousands of miles away from anyone I know.  And I hear from my friends at UC Paris, or friends studying abroad at UC center in a foreign country.  They are surrounded with their friends, they get to go off traveling all these awesome places.  They are taking classes only in English.  Their school isn't that much different from their home UC.  UGH

I know it doesn't do me any good to think about that.  Yeah, I know SciencesPo is a great school.  Yeah, I know I am going to come back a stronger person.  Yeah, I know when I get back to the states I know that NOTHING can stop me from doing what I want to do in life.  But all that right now doesn't really mean much.  I find the desire to leave my apartment nonexistent.  It may be because I feel so safe here, and thanks to the internet, I feel like at my desk I can actually be back in the States.

And it makes me feel so guilty.  I wish I wanted to go out and explore, go out and see the sights, go out and travel.  But honestly, the idea of watching TV on my computer and staying in my bed all day sounds better than any of that.  Hopefully my trip to Scotland this weekend will snap me out of this funk.

But this weekend is going to be hard for me.  It is the weekend of the Youth and Government Intern Retreat.  It may sound stupid that I would rather be there than in Scotland, but the Interns are some of the best people I have ever met.  I have laughed and had more good times with them than virtually any other group.  They make me feel important, respected, smart.  They build up my self-confidence more than I ever thought possible, because they just accept me for me.  Not that people don't, but they just go out of their way to prove it.

And this would be my third and final year in the Intern Program.  After three years of Y&G as a delegate, my senior year of which I was delegate of the year for the state wide program, interning was the perfect way to stay involved.  And now I am not.  I am not helping out the organization that, more than any other thing in my life, has shaped me into who I am today.  And my best friends are now the leaders of the intern program.  I couldn't be prouder of them, but I wish I could be there with them.  Instead I look around, and see all that I have yet to do and it just feels like a weight is crushing me.

Two of my intern friends, in-particular are making it really hard not to be there with them.  At our first retreat, three years ago, we all bonded.  We hadn't met each other before then, but we couldn't be separated after.  Not seeing them, when I know if I had stayed in the States I would have is really hard for me to deal with.

I guess I'll just have to convince them to come over and visit me.

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