So I feel like since this blog is for future A.J., this is a really important post. Today was really hard. I know I already wrote about how insane my French class was this morning (the one in french, not my language class) but I didn't know how much it affected me until I got back to my room. Then it hit me. It is September 20, I have eight more months here. I have twelve more weeks of classes, during which I have to give five presentations, four in French. I still don't have an apartment (yes, I know there are back up options so it shouldn't stress me out, but come on... have you met me?). I don't have any CLOSE friends here in Paris. My nearest family is in Washington DC and the next guaranteed time I will see any of them is December. On top of that, I don't have a fuller operational french bank account, so getting an apartment, assuming I find one, is going to be super hard.
So today for a bit, I let all of that overwhelm me. I made it three weeks exactly before really succumbing to the major waves of homesickness I was able to stave off with sights like Notre Dame and the Louvre. But not today. For a good two or three hours, I was in my room inside my head thinking "What the hell have I done?" All I could think about was the fact that today was move-in at SB and all of my friends there were starting a new year, a year in which they will share experiences (mainly 21st birthdays) that I will not be a part of. A year of inside jokes, I will be on the outside of. A year of changes in relationships, I will never see. A year where I basically don't exist to anyone back in SB.
Now, pile that on top of, well everything, and it makes for a catastrophic afternoon. But, and this is the part that is not for future A.J. but for anyone that is concerned I am not liking France, don't worry. I realized that not only do I have to do this, but I can do this. I am going to learn this language if it is the last thing I do. I have to be proactive and cannot assume anyone is going to help me (because, let's face it. They won't if I don't ask for it). I will find an apartment, I will make friends and I will enjoy life here in Paris.
I can do this.
before i left for paris, a girl who just came back from a semester in paris told me she spent a lot of time worrying about how her friends were changing, how she was gonna feel like an outsider when she came back, blah blah blah. she said everything was just the same when she came back and kicked herself for stressing so much. she told me that everything with everyone that mattered would be normal when i got home.
ReplyDeletei didn't believe her until i after i got home from paris and everything was, indeed, the same.