So I feel like since this blog is for future A.J., this is a really important post. Today was really hard. I know I already wrote about how insane my French class was this morning (the one in french, not my language class) but I didn't know how much it affected me until I got back to my room. Then it hit me. It is September 20, I have eight more months here. I have twelve more weeks of classes, during which I have to give five presentations, four in French. I still don't have an apartment (yes, I know there are back up options so it shouldn't stress me out, but come on... have you met me?). I don't have any CLOSE friends here in Paris. My nearest family is in Washington DC and the next guaranteed time I will see any of them is December. On top of that, I don't have a fuller operational french bank account, so getting an apartment, assuming I find one, is going to be super hard.
So today for a bit, I let all of that overwhelm me. I made it three weeks exactly before really succumbing to the major waves of homesickness I was able to stave off with sights like Notre Dame and the Louvre. But not today. For a good two or three hours, I was in my room inside my head thinking "What the hell have I done?" All I could think about was the fact that today was move-in at SB and all of my friends there were starting a new year, a year in which they will share experiences (mainly 21st birthdays) that I will not be a part of. A year of inside jokes, I will be on the outside of. A year of changes in relationships, I will never see. A year where I basically don't exist to anyone back in SB.
Now, pile that on top of, well everything, and it makes for a catastrophic afternoon. But, and this is the part that is not for future A.J. but for anyone that is concerned I am not liking France, don't worry. I realized that not only do I have to do this, but I can do this. I am going to learn this language if it is the last thing I do. I have to be proactive and cannot assume anyone is going to help me (because, let's face it. They won't if I don't ask for it). I will find an apartment, I will make friends and I will enjoy life here in Paris.
I can do this.